If you want to get richquick, here is the Nigerian
blueprint. But please, don’t tell anyone I “wiki-leaked”this highly-classified
national secret to you.
With only some 50 years of independent national existence,
Nigeria is a country reeking with “new money.” The overwhelming proportion of
the millionaires and billionaires in the country are “nouveau-riche;” they
became rich literally “overnight.” We are talking of people whose wealth does
not go beyond a generation. Indeed, the fantastic wealth of Nigerian billionaires
like Femi Otedola scarcely goes beyond ten/fifteen years. Not only does
Nigeria’s wealthy few have a short history, they often have a short future as
well. The money comes “miraculously” and goes just as “miraculously.”
In my youth, S.B. Bakare was the celebrated Nigerian tycoon.
Highlife stars and juju musicians eulogised him in their records. But ask a
young Nigerian today who S.B. Bakare is, and I can bet my bottom dollar he has
never heard of him. S.B. has fallen off the radar and so has his wealth. It is
not identifiable by any major industry or enterprise. His descendants may still
be in litigation over the dregs of his estate, but undoubtedly it is nothing to
write home about again. Certainly, nobody is singing about S.B. Bakare today.
There are now new pretenders to his throne.
New dawn
Time was when wealthy Nigerians built something, developed
something, or made something. At that time, the rich were truly captains of
industry. Alhaji Sanusi Dantata made his fortune in the era of the groundnut
pyramids in the North; buying and shipping them for export. Sir Odumegwu Ojukwu
had Nigeria’s largest fleet of inter-city “mammy-wagons.” He also imported
“panla” (dried fish) on a large scale. Sir Mobolaji Bank-Anthony had a tanker
fleet and a pioneering charter airline. Emmanuel Akwiwu, hauled oil-rigs and
supplies for British Petroleum. Chief Timothy Adeola Odutola produced bicycle
tires for the growing army of Nigerian bike-riders.
But thanks to oil, much of Nigerian wealth is no longer the
product of such ventures. Yes, we have billionaires like Ibrahim Dasuki and
Mike Adenuga who can still be rightfully described as highly enterprising. But
even more significantly, we have tycoons who came into wealth through “wuru-wuru”
and “mago-mago.” These men are hardly Nigeria’s Bill Gates. On the contrary,
they don’t have a clue what to do with their dubious wealth, and they are
ignorant about wealth-creation. As such, they add little of value to the
Nigerian project. Their praises may be sung today by their horde of parasitical
hangers-on, but they will not be remembered for good when they are gone. As
mysteriously as their wealth materialized, so will it vanish.
These men became rich through some of the following tried
and tested methods, which can be relied upon to lead to one’s inclusion in the
Nigerian Book of Irrelevant Rich Men. If you want to get rich quick, here is
the Nigerian blueprint. But please, don’t tell anyone I “wiki-leaked” this
highly-classified national
secret to you.
1. Rob a bank
This strategy has gone through some transition. Bank-robbers
used to be men of the underworld who held banks hostage at gunpoint and then
made off with the cash. However, it was soon recognised that this approach has
distinct disadvantages. You might get arrested and jailed. Even worse, you
might get shot. It also became apparent that banks carry limited amounts of
cash.Therefore, a successful bank robbery of this violent kind might only land
you perhaps 50 million naira tops, which is not even enough to buy or build a
house in Banana Island. There is a better way to rob a bank with far limited
risk. Simply establish a bank.
When you establish a bank, you can rob the bank every day
without a gun. When people deposit money in your bank, they don’t know that
they are handing over their life-savings to a thief. You then rob the bank you
establish in a number of imaginative ways. For example, you can lend money to
your bank and then charge it a very high interest-rate. Better still, you can borrow
billions from your bank and simply forget to pay it back. Or, you can use the
money deposited in your bank to buy houses and then rent them out as branches
to your bank at exorbitant prices.
This approach is guaranteed to make you a few billion naira
until the EFCC policemen come calling. When they do, you can quickly fall sick,
spend a few months in Deluxe Hospital Hotel and then relocate to your village
to enjoy your wealth, never to be heard of again.
2. Join the PDP.
This one is a sure banker. As a member of the greatest party
in the history of Africa, you will be given a credit-card to spend Nigeria’s
oil wealth. If you are not getting enough attention in the party, make a lot of
noise. Abuse Tinubu on the pages of the newspapers and call Buhari an idiot.
Insist that Goodluck Jonathan should not only run for re-election unopposed in
2015, there should be a constitutional amendment to make him a life-president.
This is a tell-tale sign that you are hungry; and the powers-that-be will soon
invite you to “come and chop.”
As a distinguished member of this great party, the
opportunities open for you to set yourself up for life are considerable. For
example, you can start collecting billions for petroleum subsidy and simply not
import any petrol whatsoever. You can get the government to change all car
license-plates nationwide; and then become the sole supplier of the new
license-plates. You can ask the president to make you the sole importer and
distributor of diesel for the entire country. Of course, this might also entail
that you become the chairman of his re-election campaign, to which you duly
make a handsome contribution. Alternatively, you can ask to be chairman of the
Nigerian Ports Authority.
Nobody will bat an eyelid when, within a matter of months,
you have a fleet of cars, have two or three houses in Asokoro, and own four
hotels in Dubai. You may even kick out your wife and marry a fourteen-year-old
“Suzie” befitting your new status. You have arrived as one of Nigeria’s
celebrated rich men. But keep your eyes on the ball. Don’t get distracted or
carried away. The enemies of Mr. President must always remain your enemies.
3. Start a mega-church
This one is pure genius. Peradventure you lose your job or
fall on hard times. Don’t go into depression. Just start a church. Make it a
purpose-built church. Think of something that men need. Tell them you have the
anointing to provide it. Tell them whoever wants to be a billionaire should
come to your church. Start a few of your messages with “Thus says the Lord.”
Then teach your congregation the everlasting principles of sowing and reaping.
Make sure they understand that if they really want God to
bless them financially, they first have to give you as much money as possible.
Create a special prayer group for millionaires and billionaires. That way, if
they get any new government contract they will attribute it to the efficacy of
your prayers and credit something big into your bank account. Tell everybody to
give you their “first-fruits.” That is a code word for their entire January
salaries. Then come up with imaginative offerings to collect, such as
“prophet’s offering,” (you, of course, being the prophet); “Father, Son and
Holy Ghost offerings;” “Jesus will do it offering.”
Very soon, you will be flying your own private jet to preach
your gospel in Ilesha; you will be wearing white Armani suits and jerry-curling
your hair; you will be collecting gate-fees for new years’ eve services;
billionaire thieves and robbers will be queuing up to see your private-secretary
on the Lagos-Ibadan expressway; and you will be inviting Bill Clinton to open
your multi-billion naira Tower of Babylon in Osapa-London. In short, you will
be living large. For good measure, you will also be slapping demons out of poor
bewitched damsels with impunity.
4. Become a mule
There is high demand for this job. There are many
politicians and men of timber and caliber looking for >a>mules; men who
can keep stolen money for them, or smuggle it to safe havens abroad. This is a
highly lucrative jobbecause for every ten billion naira you smuggle, you can
pocket one billion. Don’t get greedy and come to the conclusion that you can
make off with the entire loot. That is a sure way to have assassins on your
tail. Before they kill you, they will first break your legs. If you are caught
while smuggling money abroad, you can easily escape and come back home dressed
as a woman. Then you can get a national merit award.
If you are a mule for a president or a governor, you are set
up for life. You will get 24 hours military protection so that no petty thief
can come near you. You will get to travel all over the world. You will get free
medical check-ups, so that you don’t just fall down one day and die. That would
be disastrous, especially if your sponsor does not know exactly where you kept
his loot, or if he does not have the password to the secret account you opened
for it in the Bahamas in the name of Ali Baba.
Obituary
I remember the story of a former Nigerian Head of State who
allegedly kept a billion dollars with a mule. Then the mule had a stroke. Every
effort was made to get him to say just a few words, namely the number of the
account where the loot was stashed; but to no avail. After a few months, the
man died. This “national” calamity has prompted the review of the conditions of
service of mules. There are now two new, strictly prohibited, clauses. Mules
must not have strokes, and under no circumstances should a mule presume to die.
If he does, his generations yet unborn will suffer for it.
(P.S./N.B. If you have perfected other Nigerian approaches
to quick wealth than these, don’t hesitate to let me know. I promise to keep
the matter strictly confidential.)
lolzzz...nice...very nice...
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